Jeffs-Site

Well on a fine afternoon, after we had had lunch after church, we sat talking out by the pier for a little while, and in essence she had said she very much enjoying my company, and “was very horny” … Quite a dilemma here as you would well imagine…. I told her as my response “Your either a test or an answered prayer, I guess we’ll find out which because I really don’t know what to say about that” having never had someone say that to me before I was pretty stunned. I gave it a minute and told her that if she wanted to get to know me better and spend some time together that that was great, and that I was all for it, but if she was just looking for a roll in the hay, that was completely the opposite direction of what I wanted, and that emotionally empty sex just depressed me, not only was I in mourning for a relationship that had gone awry for reasons I just didn’t understand, but also for the fact that we both had had really shitty things happen, but that I had a whole bunch of people that were really close to me that were all fucking dead, from different things at different times, and I’m seriously fucking sad, and to make matters worse I have a problem with sex, not only a very high drive, but a very bad habit of caving much to early and having to back my way out of things as I get to actually know someone and find out that we’re not compatible…. And I’m a Christian mind you which makes these all very difficult things for me to manage already, I’m trying to do the right thing and do right in the eyes of God for goodness sakes, first and foremost and always…

Well, we chatted for the better part of an hour after that and she seemed pretty cool, so I got all happy and thought what the fuck, this is awesome, this cute chick thinks I’m hot and what’s to make out a little, that really sounds nice… So we went and walked back all charged up, and got some coffee really quick both sort of dazed at perhaps what awaited next.. We sat down and during our conversation she had mentioned her “accident” or when she was “sick” and finally I said not thinking about much of anything like maybe car accident, tripped and fell, stuff like that, she said that she had tried to kill herself….. Wonderful. How’s that for the quickest start and stop that there ever was….. I sat there staring at her across my mocha and said ” I’m sorry? you did what”.. In essence she had said that she had been really upset, and done something stupid, and that it was a long time ago, but that was what had happened. Now I was at a crossroads, I thought here’s someone who is either A) a totally ok person who had something really shitty happen and made a bad decision in the context and was otherwise cool and ok person with a really shitty and bad decision or B) someone seriously fucked up and this whole thing is way off and that my day had just taken a very very ugly turn that in my quest for fun and friendly Christian fellowship I obviously had not anticipated as a type of individual I would meet in our congregation of way cool people because obviously sane people done jump to those kinds of conclusions about people when you meet them, at least I don’t.

Well, I decided that since I’d since I’d interacted with her a little bit, and she didn’t seem tripped out, that it was the first and In a horribly bad decision on my part, said what the fuck. We went back to my place and had a very passionate and poorly chosen exchange of affection that was for the most part at best momentarily fun, that I regretted the minute she walked out the door…..

I told her the very next time we talked a day or so after that I was not ok with that, that it wasn’t what I was looking for, that it wasn’t right, what I wanted or the way I/we should have behaved as a Christians, and that if we were going to interact we needed to have a redo, and just get to know each other because that just wasn’t something I was ok with. She agreed, and so we started to spend some time together, but no matter what I said even if an afternoon had been mellow she would constantly try to push the sexual stuff on me, and I hope I’m doing a good job of this, but I had specifically told her that was a weakness of mine and to fucking knock it off in so many words because it was not ok. If we couldn’t just talk and be compatible and feel solid with each other on that then it wouldn’t work out and that was that. I had told her up front that I didn’t want to be exclusive, and the if I had a date with someone else that went a little nutty, I would tell her and we’d just give it a rest which she said she was ok with. I kept telling this chick that if she wasn’t cool with that then to just knock it off because ti wasn’t going to happen and if she didn’t respect that she could in essence just fuck off because I really didn’t want that around me with someone I didn’t know, love, respect, or feel I could even trust for fucks sake, and because I very much had reservations about certain aspects of her personality and I wanted genuine no pressure observation time to make up my mind about what this chick was all about.

Well, as time progressed, I definitely felt less and cool about her, and more and more of her personality showed me that she was not item A)as I had hoped, but that she was item B) someone way fucking tripped out that I did not need or want to be around at all, and someone who by the way was trying to pull the wool over the eyes of several members of our congregation by acting one way around them, and another way with me as a Christian, which made me totally sick, if she couldn’t be honest about her behaviour then she needed to not be doing it, but she’d do shit like show up to my place with beer and start touching my cock when I tried to sit and just talk to her, and I’d be like what the fuck what’s up with you. It’s mostly just a matter of time I had told her at the very least that I’d need to be comfortable with her for even the most minor of things, and that if she couldn’t do the in between time, and didn’t fucking care about me then to just get the fuck away for goodness sakes, didn’t i have enough to deal with already? Shit!

Well, clearly as we spent just basic in between time, shopping, walking around, talking, etc. we did not get along, and didn’t communicate well at all. she didn’t get even the most simple of jokes or sarcastic quips to just spurn some fun, just not positive enough of a person, to take much of anything in a good direction, and never took responsibility for being such a fucking out to lunch chick, clearly it wasn’t working for me. And to make matters much more uncomfortable, every time I’d talk with her, her comments would get more and more possessive, more and more territorial regarding comments I’d make about other girls, and it was like she’d decided our relationship was going to be referred to as something it wasn’t more and more every time I talked to her which was totally fucking freaking me out, the last thing I needed on top of everything else was for some weirdo that I didn’t communicate well with, getting all single white female on me. this mind you as a result of my quest for good Christian fellowship, and for taking up a girl who was cute in her own way expressing interest in me, and giving her the benefit of the doubt as a Christian and just to be nice that she was wok, and that the stuff she stated was an incident in an otherwise ok person, and not the other way around, awesome, just awesome.

So, one night she had come over, after over the last couple of weeks I had steadily declined hanging out, stated to her that I wasn’t going to be able to hang out much which was totally legit, I that I had to work more, and had spent as much wasted extra time as I could with someone that I didn’ t communicate well with, which was the primary aspect of my decision not even needing to touch on the other stuff. Now I had had it in mind that simply because we didn’t’ get along in that capacity that she was still a Christian sister, and someone that I still looked forward to talking with in the congregation, and that stuff was cool, just that we did not get along well in that capacity, and that it just wasn’t going to work well like that.

Well, after coming over on the night before my birthday, yes with beer, yes super horny, and yes after (of course) bible study totally pulling the wool over her friends eyes which I told her I was totally not cool with, and was total bullshit to do, she lingered as I had made dinner and just in trying to be nice stayed really mellow and offered her some if she wanted to kick back, which she did. Well, later on, as I was about to hit the sack she gave me this gnarly ass kiss as I thought I was saying goodbye and didn’t reciprocate that much of, clearly I just try to be to nice, she as she had continually done before tried to invite herself to a sleep over which I wasn’t down with. I told her I didn’t think that was a good idea because we really just didn’t communicate well with I though t for sure she’d agree with, and that I didn’t want to send her mixed messages, and didn’t think that was a good idea. You would have thought she couldn’t have put it all together for herself at all at this point, and fucking totally started to come unravalled, first a little teary acting so suprised, how I have no idea because we clearly did not communicate well at all and i had given her every message I possible could apart from saying it that this was not working for me at all, there really was nothing to even be a this I had said this whole time that I was just “getting to know her” and that all that there was no nothing, no super hot dates, no nothing, sitting talking shopping very basic chatty mundane bullshit, really basic get to know you stuff.

For you, and you know who you are, I forgive you, and I wish you well. God bless you.

For the rest of you I hope you’ve enjoyed this excerpt of my life. As I sit and commune with all my dead friends, relatives, the father of my ex-fiance, and think about what the hell happened to a girl that at one time was such a wonderful girl to be with and stare across the bed at an empty pillow wondering what the fuck happened, please also know that God loves me very much, and takes very good care of me. I don’t always know the answers, and that’s ok, I know that God loves me, and it there for me always, as he is for every one. I try to love and forgive, and grow, and be strong, and try to do the best I can, and that’s all I can do, but if I said I wish others didn’t do that just a little more frequently to me in the way they behaved towards me, that would be a lie, and I just don’t feel like lying tonight. I do however appreciate your prayers for anything and everything as always. I hope you’ve enjoyed this excerpt of my life. God bless you, and good night.

Love,

Jeff