Jeffs-Site

once upon a time
long long ago
in a place called california
there used to live a people
people who cared about the environment
people who cared about their kids
people who cared about the quality of life a given housing tract could provide
people who cared about their schools
people who cared about the beaches and their cleanliness
they were good people
people who were very veggie friendly
people who cared about animals
they were all over the place
they were everywhere
and they were the people who used to be the dominant population
you didn’t live where you lived
because it was a “thing”
you were where you were because you liked it there best,
with marginal compromises due to cost, a few cut corners nothing
major…
but for the most part,
you were in the mountains because
you liked the mountains
you were near the art part of pasadena
because you dug walking places, and having old buildings, and really uncommon cool art nearby
you lived in the desert because you liked motorcycles and snakes and cactus
and once a year blooming flowers when it rained
you were by the beach because you liked the beach, and the air, and the elbow room
you were in the forrest or on a farm because you loved the trees and the space and the produce
and freeways were never ideal…..
but they were still free ways, meaning you could go faster on them than the surface streets
and for the most part, if you had a decent job, and you did ok,
you could actualy have a house of your own,
to live in, to love in, to laugh in, and have amazing sex and watch movies in private in….
something like that for the most part…..
and people were very God friendly, very friendly or open and spiritual for the most part, different directions sometimes, yoga here, presbyterian there, sufi’s once in a while, non-denomitionals, but open, rurally concerned, talking about cutting the smog down, and for the most part friendly….

You have to wonder, where did all the good people go? and how did I (a native) become a minority in my own state? You have to wonder……

You know, I said that when this all started that Iraq would be the new vietnam, and here we are, that stupid ignorant hick fucker of a president we have, heartless ignorant godless, lost stupid fucker.. Meanwhile, where is Bin Laden? and while we’re on that topic, if you were him, wouldn’t you be esctatic that our country was distracted with all this Israel and Iraq crap? I couldn’t think of a better distraction time to sneak some people in across the mexican border, into long beach, and straight to LAX to bomb the shit out a a major airway. What a great chance to do some damage. And what a stupid fucker for a president we have. He makes me sick.

barefoot in my studio…
my study
my haven
my room of rooms
my inner sanctum
cords like spaghetti entangle them selves
like the capalaries of my extended self
much like this board
these keys
these words
these thoughts and feelings
pulsing with the spirit and soul
of a tormented and hopeful man
I dream of love
I scream with hate
I pray on knees of bent
and hope
and pray
and wait
and wait some more
and just before I break
it happens
and I curse myself with loathing
for ever doubting
or wondering
and wandering
I am no better than the jews in the desert
my pastey self says
after watching moses part the sea,
still have the gall to complain
but then again
my friends are dead
my relatives gone
my engagement broken
my memories… fractured and
non..
linear
I
were it only that my tears would always bring an answer
perhaps I wouldn’t be so sad
where was I when God made the oceans
when he hung the Pleiades and tossed in line the belt of Orion
as he knit the intracacies of our cellular masterpieces
imbued us with unimaginable powers as creatures made in his image
and here we sit
round after round
day after day
year after year
bit by bit
as all the news rolls in
and our migration is unearthed
civilizations are dusted off
glyphs are translated,
and names only seen in scripture…
are now written on walls…
bones are put together
legends now fit with sarcophaguses
and the conquered are learned from
and it all starts to unfold
and all the smack talkers
and back talkers
and bruisers
and accusers
abusers
will be brought low
and every tongue shall confess
the One True God,
and his Christ,
and as we speak
and as we read,
the ark of covenants lies somewhere hidden
tucked away
hidden in a vault
in the care of a small tribe of ethiopian priests
it will never be where you think
it will not be goash and lavish
royal and pompus,
encrusted and jeweled,
it will be pure
it will be humble
and it’s caretakers will be silent about it’s presence
until it’s silence is required no more…
I remember in prayer one time
after praying for a moment ,
I heard a voice that was not my own
instantaneously permeating my being at the same time,
there was hope and faith and light in the direction of my heart in the way that it felt,
and I heard it say I know that you do not have answers,
but know that I Love you, and the love was very much emphasized,
I was in a circle,
I was facing others also talking or praying with one another,
and I looked up abruptly to see if anyone else heard it,
and although it came from within I knew, but beyond me,
I still looked to see as if someone whispered it or said it, as thought I would look around to see someone who was the speaker ready t laugh, or to see who said it,
and the only thing I saw was a couple people glance toward me slightly
because they could see that I was startled suddenly,
and just wondered a little, and then kept going about what they were doing
and I just smiled a little
and tried really hard
not to cry…
I closed my eyes
I starred
I starred a little more
I closed my eyes again,
and just said thank you,
I don’t what’s happened,
but thank you,
and with that said
I still go home
I still lie down
I look across my empty bed
I try to talk to an empty room
and I hug my big smiley, silly, soft plush giant dolphin really close
and tell her I love her…
and start to cry….
because I
still
don’t
understand……

stand.

(keep praying….)

Love,
Jeff